[NOTICE - 3/15] Company inactive until further game development.
Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science Space Program. Astronauts, Soldiers, Engineers: you're here because we want the best and you are it. So, who is ready to make some science? Now you already met one another over on the IRC so let me introduce myself. I'm JigenEagle, I own the place.
Here at the Aperture Science Space Program we take the best technology and market it to the universe. Jump drives made of butter, ships run off human waste, we got those. They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants - not here. At Aperture we do all our science from scratch; no hand holding.
Now lemme' just give all of you new boys a quick history lesson. The enrichment center formed when the greatest minds of Fenton Inc, The Portland Group, SHMO Co, and Moonlight Agencies got together and created this wonderful facility. Those great minds now work with the Lab boys while I run the place. Wouldn't want to be down there myself. Radiation. Horrible stuff. But Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science. As founder and CEO of Aperture Science I thank you for your participation and hope that we can count on you for a successful round of tests. And by that we mean informative, even if you end up vitrified.
Now our goal is to take the initiative on a wide variety of space weapons and devices. While we haven't actually marketed much, we DO have plans for that wide variety of space weapons and devices. It's up to you to help test those products in our wonderful Ship Facility; The Aperture Science Space Enrichment Center.
Take propulsion for example: The average human male is about 60% water. Far as we're concerned that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated during that test, it's normal. We're gonna hit you with some rocket engines and see if we can't get you down to 20 or 30 per cent. Now that's efficiency.
Just remember that no matter how much pain or agony you're going through, it's all in the name of SCIENCE! At the end of the day, it's all about the number of products you have survived, not the number of tumours you had removed. With each contribution of effort you're pushing this wonderful company higher and higher on the economic ladder. Eventually we'll be able to buy some REAL rockets and get this facility soaring through space. That's right. Those windows you see are actually Aperture Space Displays; They only make it look like we're moving.
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the Space Displays, they're telling me I ought to stop making these pre-recorded messages - that gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages! I pay the bills here, I can talk about the Space Displays all damn day!
The first step for Aperture involves the construction of mining vessels. In layman's terms, little ships that we're going to load with explosives, catapult at asteroids, and hope the dust will come flying back in our direction loaded with ores. The next step will be testing to see if a miner can survive the impact.
Afterwards we can focus on interacting with the outside world. If you happen to work for one of these companies, Welcome to Aperture Science! We hope to establish a monopoly with you on traded goods. If it just so happens that you work for Black Mesa, please make your way to the airlock. Don't worry, you won't be needing a space suit where you're going.
Science isn't about why, it's about why not. You may ask: why does so much of our science seem dangerous? I say: why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety airlock that won't cut your butt off on the way out, because you are fired.
As with the rest of you, I welcome you again to the Aperture Science Space Program!
Now, Let's go run some Tests.
Updates to this announcement board will be made when available.
~JigenEagle -- Aperture Science Space Program
(All parallels and remixing of quotes trace back to Portal and Portal 2. The Portal Franchise is a copyright of VALVE software. I do not own nor affiliate myself with VALVE software or the developers of Portal.)