Aperture Science Space Program

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JigenEagle JigenEagle's picture
Aperture Science Space Program

Aperture Science Space Program

[NOTICE - 3/15] Company inactive until further game development.

Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science Space Program. Astronauts, Soldiers, Engineers: you're here because we want the best and you are it. So, who is ready to make some science? Now you already met one another over on the IRC so let me introduce myself. I'm JigenEagle, I own the place.

Here at the Aperture Science Space Program we take the best technology and market it to the universe. Jump drives made of butter, ships run off human waste, we got those. They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants - not here. At Aperture we do all our science from scratch; no hand holding.

Now lemme' just give all of you new boys a quick history lesson. The enrichment center formed when the greatest minds of Fenton Inc, The Portland Group, SHMO Co, and Moonlight Agencies got together and created this wonderful facility. Those great minds now work with the Lab boys while I run the place. Wouldn't want to be down there myself. Radiation. Horrible stuff. But Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science. As founder and CEO of Aperture Science I thank you for your participation and hope that we can count on you for a successful round of tests. And by that we mean informative, even if you end up vitrified.

Now our goal is to take the initiative on a wide variety of space weapons and devices. While we haven't actually marketed much, we DO have plans for that wide variety of space weapons and devices. It's up to you to help test those products in our wonderful Ship Facility; The Aperture Science Space Enrichment Center.

Take propulsion for example: The average human male is about 60% water. Far as we're concerned that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated during that test, it's normal. We're gonna hit you with some rocket engines and see if we can't get you down to 20 or 30 per cent. Now that's efficiency.

Just remember that no matter how much pain or agony you're going through, it's all in the name of SCIENCE! At the end of the day, it's all about the number of products you have survived, not the number of tumours you had removed. With each contribution of effort you're pushing this wonderful company higher and higher on the economic ladder. Eventually we'll be able to buy some REAL rockets and get this facility soaring through space. That's right. Those windows you see are actually Aperture Space Displays; They only make it look like we're moving.

.....

The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the Space Displays, they're telling me I ought to stop making these pre-recorded messages - that gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages! I pay the bills here, I can talk about the Space Displays all damn day!

The first step for Aperture involves the construction of mining vessels. In layman's terms, little ships that we're going to load with explosives, catapult at asteroids, and hope the dust will come flying back in our direction loaded with ores. The next step will be testing to see if a miner can survive the impact.

Afterwards we can focus on interacting with the outside world. If you happen to work for one of these companies, Welcome to Aperture Science! We hope to establish a monopoly with you on traded goods. If it just so happens that you work for Black Mesa, please make your way to the airlock. Don't worry, you won't be needing a space suit where you're going.

Science isn't about why, it's about why not. You may ask: why does so much of our science seem dangerous? I say: why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety airlock that won't cut your butt off on the way out, because you are fired.

As with the rest of you, I welcome you again to the Aperture Science Space Program!
Now, Let's go run some Tests.

MEDIA:

Updates to this announcement board will be made when available.
~JigenEagle -- Aperture Science Space Program

(All parallels and remixing of quotes trace back to Portal and Portal 2. The Portal Franchise is a copyright of VALVE software. I do not own nor affiliate myself with VALVE software or the developers of Portal.)

Revanchist Revanchist's picture

Query: Why have your correctional facility be the same ship as your treasury?

Compliment: You've got a very nice backstory, and it looks like you have a well planned out strategy. Good job, and best of luck JigenEagle and The Proximatic Intergalactic Coalition.

JigenEagle JigenEagle's picture

Answer: Various misc. duties to be carried out by our flagships were thrown around when asked about future development. Some of us thought putting both high value items as well as high value targets in the same ship would make.. sense (and be a helluva lot of fun). FlagShip005 is thought out to eventually be the governing ship of the Aperture Science Space Divison, attending to both Internal functions as well as foreign affairs. Otherwise; record keeping, shiny things, laws, and prisoners of war.

Thank you! Our only hope is that Aperture may someday hold true to its ambitions!

Revanchist Revanchist's picture

I was mostly intrigued by the fact that you'll keep criminals and valuables within walking distance. Also, is there a reason foreign affairs is in that mix? I don't know many leaders that would... appreciate that...

I have confidence that you (and your organisation) will find a way. I'm also interested to see your flagships.

JigenEagle JigenEagle's picture

After further discussion we have adknowledged the feelings of other company leaders; FlagShip005 will interchange some roles with Aperture Blackfire. Blackfire will become the government center of ASSP, while FS005 will be commissioned as a correctional center.

While ASSP would like to refrain from "Policing the galaxy," we feel that any economic enterprise will be a large target for pirates, and such, we shall develope our own way of interrogation and imprisonment.

JigenEagle JigenEagle's picture

Began work on the website, Also started a vote for a company name change within the group.

UPDATE: Name vote passed, PIC is now Aperture Science Space Program

Revanchist Revanchist's picture

Your group seems all the more deadly now. You aren't supporters of neurotoxin, are you?

JigenEagle JigenEagle's picture

In compliance with Aperture regulation 0-18, All aperture facilities are equipped with tanks of pressurized CO2 which can be pumped into different rooms of the Aperture Science Space Enrichment Center.

We label these tanks "Neurotoxin"

bobbyman22

Hey hey! I see you got our logo on there. Good job Jigen

Revanchist Revanchist's picture

Your neurotoxin is much safer than your Earth-based division's... I assume you can take the gas /out/ as well. For those targets that you need to keep alive.

JigenEagle JigenEagle's picture

For the time being, yes. But once a much more lethal form of neurotoxin is approved for space travel (They wouldn't let up ship loads of it into space for some reason..), we'll be transferring over to it.

We'll leave the distribution up to the facility's AI core. Neurotoxin is nasty stuff.

Jacob843 Jacob843's picture

JigenEagle,

are you recruiting? I would love to be THE SCIENCE MAN!

--
Jacob843
Dirkson's "Gopher"

JigenEagle JigenEagle's picture

I'm currently not recruiting but I am taking down names on a "List of Test Subjects." It basically means we'll call you back when Multiplayer starts.

Jacob843 Jacob843's picture

JigenEagle,

Count me in then!

--
Jacob843
Dirkson's "Gopher"

Darth Billy

would you need protection from raiders

Piranninja

they would need lemons!

JigenEagle JigenEagle's picture

We aren't exactly looking for "alliances", however we will establish truces. We won't attack you, you won't attack us, but not necessarily working together.

But lemons are definitely needed!

GeneralVonDoom GeneralVonDoom's picture

I LOVE THAT LOGO!

I do youtube videos of games, especially sci fi games, My name is /GeneralDoomer/

Communications Specialist (Moderator) And Emperor of the Hanarr Sovereignty (Leader)

JigenEagle JigenEagle's picture

;) I'm surprised I don't see more logos being made for companies.

-nudge nudge wink wink-

GeneralVonDoom GeneralVonDoom's picture

Indeed ;)

I do youtube videos of games, especially sci fi games, My name is /GeneralDoomer/

Communications Specialist (Moderator) And Emperor of the Hanarr Sovereignty (Leader)

JigenEagle JigenEagle's picture

Also, I'd like to note that the website for our company is now up and kicking. Be sure to check it out as I'll be slowly adding to it.

Recruiting, Test Subject List, research plans, etc.

GeneralVonDoom GeneralVonDoom's picture

I also love your website, and the butter is a lie :D

I do youtube videos of games, especially sci fi games, My name is /GeneralDoomer/

Communications Specialist (Moderator) And Emperor of the Hanarr Sovereignty (Leader)

JigenEagle JigenEagle's picture

Come spring the website shall be fully functional, conceptual designs will be ready, and I, for one, will have a computer capable of running scrumbleship!

Revanchist Revanchist's picture

Aperture will be born? In Space?

jamie2337

Me gusta. Are you going to have GLaDOS? Plus if they have food in game later, only eat potatoes. So how do we join this group?

GeneralVonDoom GeneralVonDoom's picture

jamie 2337 at the moment this group is Temp closed as you can see here, http://www.scrumbleship.com/wiki/companies

I do youtube videos of games, especially sci fi games, My name is /GeneralDoomer/

Communications Specialist (Moderator) And Emperor of the Hanarr Sovereignty (Leader)